Snarking whilst snacking....

It would be presumptuous to ask if you missed me. So I''m not going to. Let me just say that Dearest has. It won't be said with flowers. Or him coming home early to surprise me. It shows in the way he left the dining room this morning. With jacket left on the back of the chair, discarded from last night, presumably. An empty coffee cup and a few remaining crumbs of hot cross buns which I will eat with impunity because my wife the dragon-slayer and general killjoy is away in Buckingham while I have to fend for myself, here alone.  A lone packet of fig rolls which have helped to plug the wife-sized gap in his life. The Times left, half-read. Left open at the page where he stopped half-reading it, because he was evidently beamed up by Scottie, leaving everything just as..

Oh, the joys of home-coming. It's as if I haven't been away at all. When I am absent, I remotely organise his supper which can only be microwaved with phone support. Oh, so patiently.  I hear stabbing sounds, as he attempts to pierce the seal on a Waitrose ready-meal.
"You don't have to kill the liver and bacon. It's already dead," I say, despite myself.
"Not a Charlie Big-Un exactly," he replies mournfully.
Well, I've studied the calorific content of Charlie Bingham and am very aware that Dearest if left unattended will buy for himself a meal for two, with the very intention of enjoying one man-size portion. So I've put paid to that. I tell you, I AM a killer of joy.

In the kitchen I found he'd bought a packet of crisps. But not any old crisps. No, these were exotic healthy crisps. Not a spud in sight. Crunchy French beans, sugar snap peas and black edamame beans.
95 calories per serving. It was not until I had scoffed the lot did I bother to see how many servings were in a packet. Ah, yes, 3.5 servings. Excellent. I have just eaten the calorific content of a small meal while having a snack. Thank God it's one of my five a day.
And thank God I ate them all before Dearest gets home.
You see how nobly I  throw myself on the altar of self-sacrifice, in order to keep the home-fires burning?